Never Forget

It’s a little over 3 years since my husband had his SCA. I often say to him that I wish I could share with him the video that runs in my head whenever I think about the events of that night. It was just another day and another night. Unremarkable. We were excited because we were going away to Spain the next day on a tennis holiday. My clothes for traveling were hanging up on the door and our suitcases were packed. I never thought that there might not be a tomorrow. It never occurred to me that what was about to happen, would ever happen, especially in the comfort & safety of our home.

digital-clock-3am-insomnia-2003

I woke up at around 0300 hours to hear him making incomprehensible sounds. Initially I thought he was having a nightmare, but he didn’t respond to the usual prodding. By the time I had got out of bed and turned on the light, his face was flat in the pillow and he had no pulse. I checked 3 times. Nothing. Nada. I remember saying out loud “you’ve got to be joking”

I called 999 turned him on his back and started CPR with vengeance. He was not going to leave me. I became angry with him because we were meant to be going on holiday. This wasn’t part of our plans. I was swearing at him as I was doing CPR, shouting at him too – he wasn’t going to leave me.

The paramedics arrived and took control, however as I watched I believed I had a golden thread that went directly to him, and this thread was going to pull him back to life. After each shock I spoke to him “come on, breathe. you can do it” and I tugged on this imaginary thread. It took at least 6 shocks before he responded. But he did. Sinus rhythm and finally down the steep stairs, in to the ambulance and off to hospital. I was so relieved. So grateful.

The next 6 days were spent in ITU and then another 5 weeks in hospital. A slow but steady recovery for him. For me a focus on feeding him up and doing everything I could to get him better. Fighting for the right care in the right place, never wavering from my belief that he would get better.

bubblewrapman

I found myself being uber protective, not wanting to leave him, constantly worried that something would happen if I wasn’t around. It took me a very long time to feel totally content going out and leaving him. To this day if I am away over night I am not happy until I have heard his voice in the morning, to know he is alive and well. Ridiculous, but true.

So three years down the line the video in my head still replays that night. It was as if I was having an out of body experience, others playing the roles of him and I. But it was real and a catalyst for so much that is good in our lives today. I cannot thank the paramedics enough. Particularly the lead paramedic who has since told us that he had never experienced a cheerleader at a resuscitation before! He also told us how he was thinking about the words he would use to tell me that my husband was not coming back, when out of the corner of his eye he saw a flicker on the screen. He gave one more shock. The shock that thankfully brought my husband back to life.

It’s been a very challenging 3 years in so many ways, but here we are now having sold everything we own in the UK, having traveled half way across the world to live on & sail our new home, a beautiful catamaran.

video_replay-320x240

I cannot turn off the video in my head, I cannot turn off the emotions associated with the events of that night, it’s always there to remind me. However every morning when I wake up I look at my wonderful husband and I am grateful for the life that we have. I try to be mindful and drink in everything I see, everything I experience and everything I do, because I know that there may not be a tomorrow.

One Reply to “Never Forget”

  1. Wow, you have said all that I felt, my husband and myself were on holiday in our caravan in spain this year, like you it was an ordinary day we walked with our 2 little dogs by a lake , went back to our caravan were I cooked a meal chris my husband washed the dishes then decided to go relax outside and read his kindle, I was in the caravan at this point and I have no idea what made me look out the door, but as I looked he just wasn’t sat right I called his name twice ( I thought he was joking) but all of a sudden a cold dread ran down my back , I flew out the door to find he had no sign of life, no heart beat, no pulse, and not breathing eyes open wide and fixed , like you I started cpr immediately, calling out for help, I don’t speak Spanish and all the people on the caravan site were mostly Spanish who did not speak English, but someone must have seen what I was doing and called for an ambulance, it took that ambulance at least 25 mins to appear, and like you I was screaming at my husband not to dare leave me, I remember screaming all the time I was doing cpr things like how could you do this to me !! Don’t you dare leave me ! breathe dam you !! someone did eventually help me with cpr but that ambulance seemed forever to come , Chris swollowd his tongue twice and I managed to put my hand in his mouth and pull it to one side, the ambulance arrived and took over they worked on him for another 20 mins shocking him 4 times, then another ambulance crew turned up also they worked on him for a further 20 mins, I couldn’t understand anything that they were saying, eventually they whisked him off to hospital which was 1 hour away, they wouldn’t let me go in the ambulance with him , so I followed in a car with a fantastic couple who drove me , after a week in intensive care and a further stay in a another hospital in Toldedo were they fitted an implantable cardioverta defibrillator, it’s been almost 5 months now and I still cannot belive what we have both been through, it’s tough on us both , I guess people would think we should both be so happy to still be together and of course we are forever grateful , but the emotional side of this will never go away, but at night I still live through this ordeal and have to reach over to touch my Hubby to make me realize he is still here, he is still emotional and I’m sure it will take many years to come to terms with all that has happened to us both , hubby cannot drive for 6 months , sI no chance of a holiday yet that I feel we both need , but have to look forwards, thank you for making me not feel so alone x

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.